| It's sick |
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| 09:16pm 03/03/2008 |
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Completely sick, probably, that I'm more excited about the Smash Brothers release on Saturday night than I am about graduating in May. I'm losing sleep over both, but one will keep me happy, at least right away. |
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| This is the one where I talk about a lot of disconnected thoughts I'm sure I've written about before |
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| 12:41am 21/12/2007 |
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I only blog when I'm supposed to be doing other shit. Also, I hate that "blog" is a verb when it wasn't even a word a couple of years ago. Also, I don't like that I just used it. Also, is LiveJournal a blogging tool? Or have we all not accepted that yet and we're still too pretentious to admit it? Let me know. UPDATE: When I was spell checking this entry, I found that the LiveJournal spellchecker does not recognize the word blog. Now, another of my questions for God has been taken off the list and I'm left trying to come up with some shit in case I die tomorrow. All I have now is a couple questions about platypuses.
Good to see you. I'm terrified.
I graduate at the end of next semester with a degree in bullshit---not decrying my major, just being absolutely honest. I want to go to grad school but can't afford it and I have very little professional experience in my field of study. So what am I supposed to do now? Be terrified and count on miracles, I suppose, as always. Or substitute teach.
I'm out of touch with everyone.
I got fired from that brochure writing job, but now I'm doing work under the radar. Long story, I won't explain later.
I'm beginning to think that my insides are made of ulcers. That originally there was only one ulcer, but he invited his friends and this ulcer and all of his ulcer-friends drove out all of my loyal organs and all I have left is a big and bleeding open sore where everything should be and isn't. |
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| 05:30pm 19/11/2007 |
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mood:  exhausted music: Jaco - Donna Lee
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So, apparently I haven't updated in 17 weeks. Here's what you've missed:
- Started the fall semester, about to finish it up. it's been alright. Early mornings, late nights, and phone calls phone calls phone calls.
- I landed a job writing travel brochures a few months ago. Still working on one. Southern Africa--really, there isn't much there.
- I got my first major rejection letter. I drank a lot in my driveway.
- I gave up on poetry. I just feel like I'm not moving forward with it at all / learning anything new. SO I've gone back to fiction, and I'm almost certain that I've found my voice.
- Moved into a new house less than a mile away from our last one, it's great.
- I filed my intent to graduate this morning, so I'm done, come the end of the spring term.
- I tried to quit smoking.
- I did not succeed in quitting smoking.
- I am often sleepy and dehydrated.
- There is a fence in my backyard and as soon as I jump it I transform into a snail and go exploring in the dirt,
taking
my
sweet
sweet
time. |
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| creeping doom |
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| 07:14pm 22/07/2007 |
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It's an odd day.
I'd say about, maybe, 4 this afternoon, I started thinking that my major will get me nowhere.
I wish I had (the means to have) gone to the U.K.
Indiana was fun. There are pictures on myspace. I'm in tiny shorts.
My sideburns are enormous and I need a haircut.
So bored. |
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| 07:25pm 23/05/2007 |
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This will be long, probably.
I just have to wonder. How I am defined by those who don't know me, or knew me once and not so much now? Am I looked at as a coward or deserter for packing up my shit and leaving my friends and home behind? Or does the fact that I am in a fraternity peg me as a frat boy, college kid, or with any other negative moniker that is ultimately neither here nor there (as all outside perceptions, frankly, mean dick in the long run, and consequently, in the here and now). I just wonder. If the embroidering of Greek letters on my chest is reason enough for a person to decide that we'll never be friends. Or if my reverence of the past is unknown to everyone who is not deeply close with me, and I have resultantly become a slave to my past in that people who once knew me will judge me as--and think me the same person--I once was.
I just know that I pass by hundreds of people a day who either don't see me at all or see me as a single title given to me by recognizing my major, a summer job, an old job, my choice in music, my fraternity, my friends, my being a boyfriend, the brand of cigarettes I buy, the way I drive, what I eat, how I cough or sneeze, the way that I walk or speak, the clothes I wear and all the other nuances that mean so little and everything. And I do the same thing, typify, because I think it so much more disgusting to not notice a person than to acknowledge only what's in front of you and make up some kind of life for them. Is that egotistical and am I wrong? I don't know.
Does anyone know how incredibly hard a thing it is to know a person?
I do, I think, and I don't know what to do about it. How to know someone intimately (or if it even matters); how to make it known that people should know more about me than what I let on to when I'm not paying attention. But I think I'm a private person--even this is too much to make me comfortable--and I don't want people to know me, I just want everyone everywhere to know that there is so much to everyone else.
I want you to know that I smile at night, when I am outside and it is windy.
I want you to know that there are things like that happening everywhere all at once, and it should mean something to you. Not that I am part of it, at all, even--but that there are people, flesh and blood human beings with souls in parks, on sidewalks, in classrooms, cubicles, pews, on the freeway that are so goddamn beautiful and fleeting and complex and honest, and you'll never know. There are so many stories that are so much more important and consequential than yours. Or money. But that is not to say yours is not great or that it shouldn't be told. That would be a crime . . . but you know it already. |
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| Millencolin |
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| 11:58am 18/05/2007 |
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This takes me back.
Twenty one, feeling down
I tell you nothing with a thousand words
and I weaker get, with every step
I waste my money on compact disc's and staly fish
I can't remember the last time I did something that made
me feel alright longer than a few hours
if I only had the strength to make some muffins then I
swear that I would share them with you now.
Am I odd or am I not?
That's a question I spend time analyzing
I'm so soft, but still I'm not
living up to what people want me to be
cause I'm busy with me, myself and I
can't be understood by someone I don't know to well
so I'm shutting out the whole world just to play Nintendo
I've got these new games but I'm afraid you can't join me.
...These last few years I've been struggling
and I'm tired of keeping low profile
so now it's time to show that I'm alive...
I'm gonna change my life
Change my plans
Change my Vans
Even start to dance
Change my thoughts
Change my socks
Change my moves
Even my pro fighter Q for you
No it's not for you
This ones just for me
This ones just for me
Bullion
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| Oh, I was cold |
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| 10:22pm 25/04/2007 |
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music: Ted Leo and the Pharmacists - Me and Mia
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Ok.
Seriously, what are the odds that everyone is always listening to music whenever they post to LJ? People lie.
I know I do.
So, it's finals week. All of my exams are easy, i just don't want to do them. I'd rather be drinking. I haven't been drinking enough. Need to do that.
Oh, so I got infected. I've had a nasty ear infection. I still can't hear out of my left ear. Also, for one night only it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my young life. Excruciating. Man, what an ugly word. "Excruciating." What is that? Synesthesia? I don't even know.
I wrote an article for my magazine writing course. Admittedly, I'm very happy with it. It's one of the only things I've written in my three and a half years in college that I've been satisfied with. I just wish it was longer . . . ignore that. Anyway, it's about the dying art of reading, and you should let me know if you want to read it (lol).
It's official. I'm the president of the Mu Eta chapter of Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia. I've got the gavel to prove it. I just keep thinking How weird? I mean, if you knew me in high school, how fucking weird? What can I say? I grew up, got passionate.
I can't wait for the end of the week.
Oh, and I grew a mustache.
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| Modern Hobo |
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| 05:33pm 06/04/2007 |
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mood:  cynical music: Sundowner - Endless Miles
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I wish my car would just hurry up and die already, or get stolen, so I can save money on gas by getting a scooter.
I drove in to West Palm last night. I'm just going to admit it: this town depresses the shit out of me. I'm just saying this so I won't have to reflect on it the next time I come down. I'm unhappy being here, and it's been that way, probably, since I was fourteen. It gave me what I needed though, to finish the poem I've been working on for a couple of months.
I figured out I could graduate at the end of next fall (next semester) if I dropped my mag journalism minor. But I'm not going to allow that to happen, plus I need to be around for the fraternity for the next year---I got voted president, active in a week, by the way. So, spring semester it is. Anyway, I'm signed up for 36 credits over the next year, but seeing as how I only need 17, I need to do some serious tweaking to my schedule.
This site is awesome: [Library Thing]. Kind of depressing though. I thought I owned more books than that.
Oh, and the Cypress Dome 2007 issue is out. What a relief / anticlimax. |
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| I was lost in the rye. |
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| 04:39pm 31/03/2007 |
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music: Sundowner - Jackson Underground
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I'm trying to quit smoking. I haven't had a cigarette all day. I really want one though, but only because I'm bored. But boredom is a weak reason to do anything.
Elections for the fraternity are tomorrow. I'm up for president, but not sure how excited I am about it because next year is going to be ridiculous. It's something I want to do though.
I think I'm going to Indiana this summer. I'm looking forward to spending time on the road.
The Sundowner CD is amazing; Audio Geography is one of the most gorgeous songs I've ever heard.
That's it, really. What a waste of time. |
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| you can tell she's good by the language that she use |
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| 07:27pm 26/02/2007 |
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music: State Radio - The Diner Song
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This, after eating an enormous burrito.
I've been writing lately. And by writing I mean working on the same poem for roughly two weeks.
I desperately need a typewriter. The problem is that antiquated technology is often considered retro and is way too expensive.
But I went back and locked all my old entries that contained any of the poems I've written and posted. It had been a while since I looked at them and when I got a chance to read them again I was ashamed. I'm not saying that what I'm doing now is good, but I will admit there has been some growth.
School, my internship and Sinfonia are slowly whittling away at my sanity by means of depriving me of time to sleep, eat, shower and drink. But now I can truly say I know what the hell "labor of love" means.
Andrea's a doll and bought me two new books:
"The Zombie Survival Guide" by Max Brooks
"Above the River: Collected Poems" by James Wright.
---both of which I'm incredibly excited about.
Also, Lizzy's been in town for the last couple of days, and while I've been too busy with school to hang out as often as I'd like, it's a great relief to have a friend from West Palm around. |
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| fuck you, sound. |
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| 08:34pm 06/02/2007 |
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mood: these moods are shit. music: Common Rider - True Rulers
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I sat throught Editing I today, worked on a new poem and thought, this is good, I'm writing again. Maybe I'll have enough (or something good enough) to send out soon. And then I got on LibraryThing and happened upon a certain bi-monthly poetry review. I found this poem. It was good. Hell, it was amazing. Also, the author was twenty. With at least four publications under her belt.
Oh, God, what am I doing with my life?
I'll be outside, having a smoke. Then I'll put my bookshelf together. |
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| Gregg, where are you? |
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| 09:22pm 21/12/2006 |
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mood: Needing a cigarette music: Bright Eyes - At the Bottom of Everything
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So, I've noticed I start a lot of my entries with "So."
So, it's really hard to bitch about Christmas without using the term commercialism. I'll let you put it together so I don't have to say it . . . twice.
I've been reading a lot since I got home. Four books in this past week. Ayuh. But I've been needing to catch up. I've also been working with the Dad again. He pays me well. It's also kind of nice to put down the pen or get off the computer once in a while for the sake of getting a little dirt under my nails.
I got my grades, and they are what they always are. Simply given, not so much earned. I don't know how I can not try and make my way through college with the gpa I have. It's scary. Or confusing. Maybe a little of both. But , perhaps that's a conversation for another time.
All the classes I'm signed up for in spring are related to my minor. I think it will be strange to focus an entire semester on it, considering I've only taken one class towards it thus far.
I think that's it. Other than I think my impetus is dead. Haven't been able to finish a poem or story for a while. Ever since the run-in with the veteran, I think. I'll tell you that story sometime.
So it goes. |
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| My market: |
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| 11:33am 21/11/2006 |
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mood:  stressed
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A douche, on Slyvia Plath's poem Ariel:
"I haven't the slightest idea what this poem is about. But I think it's absolutely brilliant."
....
Are you joking? |
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| grafgagfaf |
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| 11:03am 16/11/2006 |
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MAN,
did
that
SUCK.
That wasn't a question. |
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| Como se dice "update?" |
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| 09:15am 05/09/2006 |
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mood:  drained music: Ben Folds - Bitches Ain't Shit
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What's up, lj? How you been? You look good. Losing weight? Awesome.
So, hey.
Busy summer, busy start of the school year. Went to Cleveland, had a blast. Drove 22 hours straight with Steve-o and Higgins, powered on caffeine, nicotine, and the terror that came with not knowing whether or not our front right tire was going to blow. We had to keep it at like 65 the whole ride up and that sucked. It especially sucked when we got to the Appalachians and we thought we were going to drive off the side of one of the mountains like a car full of thugs from an old bond movie, all anti-climactic like. We did get to see the sunrise over the mountains though, and quite honestly, that made everything worth it. Cleveland, turns out, doesn't really rock. . . it was just kind of. . . there. For being such a big city, there's really nothing going on. We got to see the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame though, and that was tits. The first exhibit we saw was Tom Petty, which was funny, because on the car ride up there, we only had two cds: the Lawrence Arms, and Tom Petty. Needless to say, we got real close with Tom on the trip up, so it was quite emotional to have his exhibit be the first we saw. Providence! Anyway, I'll put pictures up when they all get developed.
Thanks to Andrea, I got the best birthday present ever and got to go to the Lawrence Arms / Lag Wagon show on August third. . . I got to meet them. They were just genuinely cool. I talked to Chris about writing and literature (Romanov even!), turns out he "did the whole degree thing" and is a creative writing major as well. He just seemed really interested in talking to us, and I thought that was really cool of him. Anyway, I have pictures taken of me with Brendan and Chris, but they were taken on a cell phone, so they didn't come out too well. I know what they're of, and that's all that matters.
Jesus, I've already written too much. . . One last thing, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to wish me a happy 21st last Thursday. You guys rule.
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| and the universe conspires... |
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| 11:18pm 06/06/2006 |
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So,
I read an amazing book.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
Do yourself a favor and find a copy. It's a real life changer. Yeah, I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I mean it. |
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| Excalibur! |
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| 03:12pm 12/05/2006 |
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mood:  contemplative music: (in my head)
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Grades came in.
Advanced Poetry Workshop: A
Advanced Fiction Workshop: A
Structure of Verse: B+
and once again, I'm surprised.
Summer's here.
Which is awesome, because it's been great thus far and I only have things to look forward to.
Went on the canoe trip, that was great. Got really drunk and had a blast. I hope to do another before the close of summer with Mike and Mack and Tommy and maybe Ross and whoever else from the old days.
I'm definitely planning on catching up on some un-required reading and writings. And playing music. Lots of that. I threatened before that Action Figure Party was coming, but I'm serious this time.
Unrelated - for a while I've been worried about a great many of my friends . . . but lately I've come to realize that ultimately it seems certain things have happened to them -- some considered wake-up calls, others gradual understandings, some just simple cases of growing up. Though some of these "things" have been horrible and others simply disparaging, the friends I've worried so much about are straightening out and things are looking better for them. That makes me happy beyond all expression. Though nothing is definite, I'm sleeping easier. That's not to say I'm making this about me, I guess that's just my way of saying I care about my friends.
If you read this whole thing, thanks. If not, that's okay.
If we haven't hung out in a while, let's. |
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brickwall_vewz's journal
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